Something I've learned over time is
that, for me, making lots of goals is counter-productive. When I was
in Canada, I went along with the mentality of “Do lots; be
productive”. That word productive, ironically, was
counter-productive for me. I'd feel guilty if I didn't have plans for
any given day, and I'd push myself to fill that space with something:
go out with friends! If friends aren't available, go to a social club
and meet people! Go to the gym! Find a class to join! Make money
online! Instead of trusting my instincts to do whatever I felt like,
I'd stress out and try to overcome my guilt over wanting to just be.
If I wanted to stay home and do nothing, I'd feel guilty. If I wanted
to spend hours reading a book, I'd feel guilty. If I wanted to bake a
shitload of sweets, my jeans would feel guilty. Instead of listening
to my short-term need to chill, I'd stress myself out with the guilt
and push myself to do SOMETHING.
And in the end, what for? Out of the
umpteen people I met at those social clubs, only one is still a
friend. My closest friends are those whom I'd already forged
relationships with, and they blossomed tranquilamente, with
time. Plus, this former gym bunny is currently not going to a gym
right now. Neither do I have extra money to join a class (actually, I
do, but I prefer to spend it on travel and vermouth). And I still
haven't finished reading that damn book.
The lesson I learned, which probably
applies only for me, is that listening to my guilt and not my
personal instinctual needs didn't help me enjoy the present. I was
more concerned about how I appeared to others rather than how I felt
at that moment. Right now I have a lot of time on my hands while I
work through a personal situation. I've caught myself worrying about
how to be productive, but then realized that right now I need to take
care of myself: read, sleep, spend time with those closest to me,
snuggle under warm blankets at home. There's a Canadian guilt inside
of me wanting to get out there and start running on the track
(metaphorically speaking), but I've had an injury and need to rest. I
don't think a temporary absence of a month or so will hurt me. So
fuck the Shoulds; I'm going to go with the Needs.
