Is this it? Expectations and Self-esteem

Tough outside, sensitive inside.

People often compliment me on my confidence, composure, and bravery for moving to another country (thank you, by the way). Inside me, however, there is a raging storm of doubt. How many times a day do any of the following enter your head?

"I need to lose weight."
"I suck at relationships."
"I'm never going to pass this course."
"I'll never be rich enough to afford that."
"I'll never pay off my debt."

Margaret Cho, American comedian, once had a brilliant thought and shared it in a monologue:

"I thought about all the times, every day, where I said to myself, 'I'm fat. I need to lose weight. I'm ugly. No one likes me.' And then I calculated in my head the number of minutes I wasted, every day, questioning myself. How many minutes every hour? Every day? Ever week? And I thought, 'What if this is it? What if this is just the way I am? How much time would I save?' 

"Turns out I could save 90 minutes per week. I could take a pottery class!"

What if we all did the same thing? Accepted that that tight-ass shirt will never sit right over one's potbelly? Accepted that we haven't yet met the right person to fit with one's personality, whatever it may be? Accepted that that boring course will never be fascinating? Accepted that some high-paying jobs don't always fit one's dreams? Accepted that we have a lot of debt and too many credit cards?

See you in pottery class.

Ghosts from the Past: All About Exes

For some reason, this week became "The Week of the Ex-Boyfriends". Not one, but TWO of them got in touch with me, wanting to re-establish lines of communication. My past practice has not included friendship with exes. Rather, I tend to never speak with them again, as it's easier for me. They're not horrible people, but I prefer to have my thoughts unclouded and my memories free from sadness or regret.

After a particularly bad breakup, when I asked a friend if I'd ever heal from the pain, she advised me, "You'll know you're better when you can look back on the relationship with fond memories." For months, when people would ask me about this specific ex, I'd get angry and say, "Oh, you mean 'A**hole'? I have no freaking idea how he's doing." I did everything I could to avoid remembering him, and almost never mentioned him to anyone. But after awhile, I noticed that I could tell tales about funny things he did, and not feel anger or regret. Later, I noticed that I could call him a good person and really mean it (not that he was good towards me near the end of our relationship, rather he was a good person in general). After several years, he contacted me last week, and I was completely shocked. But I replied in a good way and felt happy to hear from him. 

Will I be friends with either of the exes? Hard to say. There are people who can do it, and I've never been able to. However, if the time I've spent so far in Spain has taught me anything, it's that things change all the time - in fact, often the only constant in life is change.

Are you able to stay friends with exes? Why or why not? Comment below!